One of my favorite songs from the movie is “Something Good.” The first two stanzas are:
Perhaps I had a wicked childhood
Perhaps I had a miserable youth
But somewhere in my wicked, miserable past
There must have been a moment of truth
For here you are, standing there, loving me
Whether or not you should
So somewhere in my youth or childhood
I must have done something good
I used to think of my husband when I would hear this song, but now I think of all of my friends, family, neighbors, and even acquaintances. I used to be so damaged that I couldn’t make or keep new friends. I couldn’t talk to strangers. I was incredibly rude and impatient with people. It’s almost embarrassing now how chatty I get with anyone and everyone. Getting treatment for my depression helped me find value in myself and made me want to acknowledge the value in other people.
I worried most of my life that I would end up alone, unloved and unlovable. I’m grateful for the people in my life that despite my short temper and my many insecurities, loved me anyway, and inspired me to find the deeper part of myself that knew that I was a good person, that I could be kind, loving, and generous.
I’m turning 40 years old this week. There were two times in my life where I seriously contemplated committing suicide. I still think about it every now and then when I’m really, really tired. Not of actually attempting it, just that I want to stop working so hard. Now it’s a really ridiculous thought because I have so much to look forward to. I want to see my kids grow up, hopefully get married, and have kids of their own. I want to grow old, not only with my husband, with my friends and their families.
When I’m exhausted, and I want to stop working so hard, I do just that. I remind myself, “I’m okay.” Not just that I’m safe, but also that I’m okay as a person. I’m not perfect, but I don’t need to be. I’ve heard that people surround themselves with others who mirror them. I look around at the people I spend most of my time with, and I’m feeling like I definitely must have done something good, because these people are freakin’ awesome.
Whom in your life are you really grateful for?